I’m no expert when it comes to relationships and I don’t think I’ll ever be. I just keep thinking of this quote, and so, I’m thinking about you and finally beginning to understand what it means.
Anthony Robbins said,
Do what you did in the beginning of a relationship and there won’t be an end.
We’re chasers. Endless lovers for the people we cannot obtain. I mean, we always want what we can’t have. In your case, it was me. I was walking toxic waste. A brilliant mind lost in meaningless nights blanketed with reckless decisions.
I was your chase refusing to be caught. But, if we’re being completely honest, I was yours from that moment we were on the same roof, whether I was willing to ever admit it or not.
I’ve played the game before and it’s certainly been played on me, but never have I taken the time to try to understand it. I still don’t understand why we only realize what we’re doing and if there’s any way to stop it from being the end only once it’s too late.
So, you cared. You read my words and learned how my heart worked. You listened to my cries and on nights when sleep seemed like the heavens I was never allowed to reach, you carried me there.
You were there without me ever even knowing I wanted you. Even when you should have left, you stayed. You broke my walls and reached my light, and now, I’m falling for you. Now, you have me, and there’s no one there to watch me land, especially not you.
Maybe it’s karma. A stab in the back to learn for myself the power of my once-selfish desires. I want to believe this isn’t one of those stories of catching your prey and letting it go once you’ve had your taste.
Why do we give up? Why do we stop caring? Everyone puts comfort at the root of the issue, but it isn’t in this case. Comfort is being able to tell your partner you’ve pooped. It’s crying and watching your partner see what vulnerability looks like in the eyes of someone other than him or herself.
Comfort is not and will never be making your partner feel ordinary or disposable. But, to be honest, that’s the reality of it all: We are and always will be disposable.
We want to believe so desperately that we aren’t replaceable but everyone is to a point. Others will make you feel and others will care. Is everything not a merry-go-round that refuses to stop?
We give up because we believe that as soon as we reel them in, there is no escaping. No one comes to save them and they will forever stay, regardless of how much we may forget to give them just the necessities of simple survival.
We work hard to get it, like a job promotion we want only for the raise. Once it’s ours, nothing else is needed. We did what we had to and no longer have to do so. Since when does that apply to a job, let alone a relationship?
Someone always gives more than someone else. At least, in relationships that have a deadline. Maybe I’m wrong and it’s always an up and down and it’s supposed to be so we know we don’t always have to be strong.
But, I’m watching you stand on your throne and make me more and more of a burden to your existence, though you refuse to let go.
Maybe I stood on mine for too long in the beginning, but I never promised my all until I was sure. If life has taught me anything, it’s that if you aren’t sure, don’t do it. So, I did just that.
I kept the walls as barriers until I was sure I wouldn’t hurt you. Once I knew, well, you tell me what my eyes say every time I look at you.
I can write symphonies about your darkest corners and make the world understand the beauty of torturous wings.
If the world was what you needed right now, I would find a way to make it yours. It is not my job to be in love with you, only a desire to be the hope you need when you can’t find your own.
The legs that keep you standing when your limbs deem you weak. The thumbs ready to wipe the unstoppable tears. The shoulder shaped perfectly for your head’s need for something to rest on. I will find you only the most natural of blues in flowers to show you how color is even yours.
I won’t ever stop doing these things when I am with you because despite my limited time and bizarrely busy schedule, I don’t want there to be a single moment for you to question my feelings for you.
Someone is always waiting, pretending to be joyous for your happiness, but secretly pining for the moment when one of us doesn’t show up so the empty seat next to us gets to be his or hers. I hate to admit it, but we’re human, and when we love, we all love hard.
In return, we want to be loved hard back. That doesn’t mean rain showers of material items but just drizzles of the most important thing given to us: time. The time to make us aware that we are loved back because we can only go so far and for so long without being loved in return.
Courtship isn’t meant to die, and it doesn’t mean having to do anything beyond what you can. Make time and make sure your words count.
Believe me, I’m a writer who has watched her words disintegrate into nothing, and I am praying yours don’t get close to where my past used to. It only led to misplaced chances and a single broken heart. The broken ones always got to be mine.
We don’t often realize how easy it is to just love. We were created for that reason, and we’ve called it the most difficult task to complete. That’s where we fail. It doesn’t complete nor ever finish.
It’s everlasting like the fairytales that even the adult world can’t keep us from believing. So, I’m begging you, if you are as scared as you tell me you are of losing me, don’t. Remember what you did to get me because that is the only thing that will get me or anyone else to forever stay.